POST #4
If you are following this blog post series in my blog, you will probably notice how I am skipping entry or post #4. There is a really good reason for it. The journal entry ended up being a little too personal for what I feel comforting sharing on this blog. It will be included in future versions, though. See below.
THE PUBLISHING OF THIS BLOG POST SERIES
This reminds me, I wanted to share with you how I plan to publish these blog posts into two different types of books:
1 This will be my rough draft, journaling and blog posts of the book. I will offer this for free for a couple of months on Smashwords. In time, I will charge a little for it. But, not right away. This will be the rough draft version of the book and will have all of the blog posts listed in order. I will publish them on Smashwords and will then download a new version every week so you can read the blog spots in order easily. (This will begin next week.) So, stay tuned.
2 I will publish in a memoir form on Smashwords and on Amazon Kindle. This will be an edited finalized version of my journaling book from #1. I will charge a little more for this version of my story.
I hope that makes sense.
I AM STAGGERED: WRITING OF MEMORIES REAPS GREAT DIVIDENDS
I am staggered, blown away, dumbfounded, and astounded by my journaling in Post #4.
MY HALLMARK JOURNAL
I got another and favorite journal when I was 12 or 13 from Hallmark. It was about 9 x 9 inches in size and had a drawing of a girl on the front. There was a quote on the front cover that read,
"Sometimes I need to be alone,
Thinking, dreaming, on my own,
Trying to figure out what makes me--me,
Following my own special path."
The quote still sticks with me today--and the journal was thrown away almost twenty years ago. I still have the box, though, that it came in from the Cinderella City Mall Hallmark Store. I cannot remember the proper name of the store, unfortunately, But, I can picture where it was in the mall.
My mom bought it for me.
The quote still applies to my life today and I cannot help but recite it from time to time. I think this is precisely why I love journaling so much. The quote on this journal spoke volumes to me.
After all, I am an only child. So, I've had a lot of on my own time ever since I can remember It's always been time I've savored. I've always read and journaled during my alone time. It's at these times I explore my faith, who I am, what makes me tick, why the world is the way it is, what I believe what I wish and dream, and plan for the future.
This journal held my early teenage years and how I was experimenting with life--trying to figure out what made me--me.
The pages held:
* My parents divorce. And the box it came in holds a letter my mom wrote to me that week.
* The memories of a friend who committed suicide.
* When my dad sold the home we both grew up in. I have a copy of the newspaper ad.
* Memories of my dates and boyfriends.
* Memories with girlfriends.
* Mistakes I made.
* My immature thinking and dreadful actions.
* It showed a girl who was mad at the world.
* It contained the truth of how I was raped.
* The journal also contained how I left my faith for witchcraft.
* The journal showed how I was very young--trying to act mature in a world that tried to swallow me alive--and I was sucked into it before I even realized.
Then, about the time I start to mature or so I thought, I got married. (I was way too young, by the way.) I moved into the apartment with my boyfriend before we married and caught him reading the journal one day. He took the scared little girl who was mad at the world as the young woman I started to become. He held my immaturity against me. The pain this caused at that time cannot be expressed in words. It was much too deep.
I ended up throwing that journal away. I knew I would regret it later, but I did not want to take the chance of him ever reading it again and holding it against me.
So, for seven years, I journaled what I didn't care if the world read journaling entries. I refused to ever open myself up like that again.
In time, I started to heal and after our divorce, I was able to journal again in the real and authentic way I preferred I was able to be ugly on the page I just made sure and make sure to go back the next day and explain it and how it was a journaling exercise and this is what I really mean and think today. That way, if anyone read it again, they know that my journaling is a process of growth.
The truth of the matter is for several years now, I have not needed to be too ugly on the page I have worked through my stuff. I did it years ago and am quite happy and content today. I know how to roll with the punches and remind myself that the hard times will be useful to me later. What matters most is that I live a memorable life where I do not take a day for granted and I remember what God has done in my life in the past and keep an eye and ear open-- ready to take in what he says and does in my life today--each day.
I write today to be read. I want to leave a legacy for my future child. So, I make sure to make each work count as I journal--just as I try to do the same with each day.
I even have a letter for my husband, in case I die prematurely, and have information for him on how to find all of my journals online and how to access them. I want him to read them and publish them.
That journal was very precious to me and I am glad I still have the memories of it, along with everything that was in the box. This journal is what made me want to dedicate myself to a life of journaling.
The loss of this journal still stings if I think about it, but I am glad for it in spite. I think the loss of the journal has made me the journalkeeper I am today.
I will spend some time in the future thinking more about the memories that this journal held and get them down on the page.
Interesting. I did not expect to go into all of that when I sat down to journal about this Hallmark journal. I cannot help but wonder what different things I will write in 3, 6, 9, and 12 months when I return to this memory. I am sure I would journal new information from new angles, along with some of the same I wrote today. But, through writing about the memory of this journal today, I have more insight into myself and my life today--and am grateful for where I am and who I am today.
~ Stacy Duplease
Journalkeeper
No comments:
Post a Comment