Nowhere in the Bible does God promise us easy lives or easy journeys. Sometimes, though, doesn't it feel as though you've had more than others? Until you hear something or see something, another story, and it reminds you how your story isn't so bad. And, that is considering your latest blow, when you were blindsided by something which ultimately changed the course of the rest of your life.
Eight days ago, I had one of the life-changing, bring me to my knees moments, along with my husband, B. I am almost forty, and he is older. He is my one and only best fried, so I like him as well as love him. We have been together for twelve years now and have gone through some tough stuff. Really tough stuff. It has been those times that have defined who we are as a couple and as individuals.
We got the news eight days ago, how despite our best efforts, IVF didn't work for the second time and we were not candidates for any further cycles. We would not have our own kiddo. The one I have prayed for and dreamed of every day for nearly forty years. I will never know the blessing of You, Lord, creating a life in my belly. Feeling it grow and move. I will never know what it's like raising the kiddo to be God-fearing (revering) and Christ-following.
The pain was and is tremendous. We are both only children, so this adds to the pain for our family generations. It is the end of our family lines in the conventional way. There are other ways to have a family. And we know they mean no less. The unconventional ways usually mean more. We know this without doubt and to the depths of our being. Family is far more than blood. It is choice.
The worst part is we both knew without a doubt You, God, told us to do IVF the first time. Then the second. You told us both times, strongly, we would be successful. We weren't. So, did we hear You at all? Or did we hear what we wished we would hear?
Quadrillions of questions swirled through our minds then and now. Why, Lord, were You trusting us with such a test? And why now? And what now?
Every plan for the future included having a baby and raising them. And, of course, enjoying our marriage and one another immensely and some traveling each year. Now, we/I needed to change the plans. Not the marriage enjoyment and traveling plans, but the rest. Our four-legged critters are what we will have, at least for now.
One of the biggest blessings, though, has been how from the very moment we got the news, I didn't come undone emotionally as I normally would have. I usually am a wreck for a day, then find the logic in the situation, and bounce back. But, this time, I bounced back immediately. My heart was broken, but I trusted You, Lord, that Your plans are perfect. You know what You are doing. The answers would come in time. I just need to wait and trust. So, I have and am.
When did I get so solid in my faith? This comes as quite the surprise to me. I cannot stress how big of a moment this was and has been for the last eight days. I have no idea when it happened, but I finally surrender my all to Jesus Christ. I trust God with my life and my eternity. I trust that He knows what He is doing, when He is doing it, though I have no idea why and most likely will never fully understand the wholeness of the why until I am in the New Heaven in eternity.
But, seriously. When did I grow my faith to be the one like my Granny’s. No one I know has a faith like hers. It’s a familial thing. I can trace back to well before my ancestors from her side of the family lading here in Roanoke and in Jamestown. Each generation has been one of faith.
My Granny has a faith I have always wished I could emulate, even in a very small way. If it was even in a small way, I knew without a doubt I would be a woman with remarkable faith. Well, it seems like I am finally growing to be that woman of faith. How many hard times and life challenges did it take? How many times did God have to bring me to my knees? How many? Too many. But, I thank God for every single one of them.
There has been something else I have realized in the last eight days. Every single one of my plans have failed during my life. And, thank God. Thank You, Lord. Your plans are by far the best and are more than I can hope for or imagine.
You’ve got this. I know it. No. I really, really know it. I know it deeply. I know it deeper than anything I can ever grasp. Yes. You’ve got this moment. While it’s massive and life-encompassing to me, it’s small compared to you. If You can take care of the sparrow, how much more will You take care of B, me, and us (Luke 12:7). Just like You’ve taken care of all the other moments in my life.
Lord, thank You for the change in me and the deepening of my faith. I could not have done it without You. Help me to continue to grow in You.
{Written: 02 November 2013, Saturday, 829 p.m., Family Room, Sofa, Typed Journal, Day 2 of NaNoWriMo and on 03 November 2013, Sunday, 835 a.m. in Family Room on sofa and in study typed prayer journal at 10:09 a.m.}
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